Thoughts...

So, next week starts another school year. I have many feelings about this...most of which scream I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!! I am sad that I will have to put Allison in day care for the first time since she was born. When I first started back to work I had a wonderful college student who came to the house a day a week, then last semester, my friend Katherine watched Allie for a day a week and my mom was able to come every couple weeks and help. But, this semester is different. I have more hour requirements for clinical and cannot see any way around day care. We have found a pretty good day care. It's at a Catholic church in Missouri. They have a wonderfully caring staff, good staff:kid ratio, and I have visited a couple of times and feel comfortable with them watching Allie. I also have a friend who takes both of her boys there and she really likes it. The problem is, it's out of the way. Since Jason was working at Hallmark we didn't think it would be too bad because he heads that direction for work, but since he'll be starting a new job early September (yay!) he doesn't go that way at all. And, I don't either with the clinical placement I have. However, clinicals are all sorts of jacked up now as I won't even get to start my regular rotation until October.

Life is just a little hectic right now. On top of the usual chaos of the Froelich family, I'm just sad that my little girl is going to be spending time with people other than her family. I know that this is a path Jason and I chose, and obviously since I'm getting an advanced degree I'm planning on working at least part time for some if not all of my career. But, it's still hard letting your child out of your hands. Which is funny, because she's not really in my hands anyway! I'm learning so much about what it means to be a good mom...to protect my daughter and yet let her go. I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in control and God is sovereign. The more I can let go, the more peace I have. Again, it is a difficult place for me, because although I need to let go, I also have this profound responsibility to raise Allison. If you were to ask me what my chief aim as a parent is (and Jason's as well), it is to raise our children to love and glorify God...period. Past that, it's just icing on the cake. I want Allison to be independent, a logical/thoughtful person, kind, humble yet strong, joyful...I could go on and on. But at the end of the day, if she learns to love her God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength, then I can rest easy.

Jason told me the other night that I don't play with Allie as much as I should. He's right. Many times I'm too busy running here or there, taking her places, cleaning, cooking and keeping her occupied. But I don't spend enough time just sitting with her, enjoying her, teaching her, loving her, nurtering her. He told me that someday I will look back and regret that I didn't spend enough time intentionally playing with her. He's right. I have friends who are working on or just had baby number two. They miss the fact that they will not be the mom of just one kid, that they will have to share their attention with another. While another baby is somewhere in our future (God willing), I am realizing that I may feel the same way, and yet I am still not taking the time with Allie that I should. All this is culminated with the fact that Allie is now going to day care, and I am losing even more of the little time that I have with her. I need to take it more seriously. I need to focus on her more than I do.

Jason and I just celebrated 7 years of marriage yesterday. It's been a long road, but one that I wouldn't change for the world. Jason and I are different people today than when we met...and for the better. There are definitely disappointments at times, but I am always struggling with expectations. We are learning what it is like to parent together and go through hard times together. We are not perfect, but we work hard and love each other unconditionally. I cannot imagine going through life with anybody else.

Wow, it's a long one! I am at work and have a few minutes of downtime and was just thinking of all that is going on in my life. And not just activities, but emotions and lessons I am learning. God is good. We are up, and we are down, but He is always constant. I want to model my life in a way that shows Allison that God is the most important thing in my life. It doesn't always look that way, but slowly, every so slowly, I am being shaped and molded and purified, and I can only pray that Jason and I will be faithful in how God wants us to live out our marriage and our parenting.

Have a great day!!
~V~